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Dear Diary, April 22, 1985

I ran to the beach and back today. I was the only girl that went all the way. (To the yellow gate). We ran to the school and back my time was 7:13 minutes. We are gonna have to go to D.T.S.S. next year. Riding the bus for 5 years. That'll be gross! Willie is making me laugh that's why I'm so messy! I got a B+ on my essay. And a A- on my mural. Now we are doing and essay on Greece (8 pages).

Love Crystal

I'm having one... well two now... of "those days". Not even poutine with hot dogs has been able to pull me out of it. I'm just gonna ride the waves of 😏😒😞😔.

I have never been diagnosed with depression officially but I know what it is and what it feels like. For the last couple of days, it's been there... like a bad smell. Lingering. It just does not feel good. But that IS life. I know that I am going to have days that flow with life and feel magical ✨ and then every once in a while these 💩 tainted days will show up . I get that.

Part of the path for me on this spinning rock has been/is to stop searching for things that will ALWAYS bring me constant happiness. Because, there is NO possible way for that to happen. I know that now but I didn't know it back in my youngish years. It was like I loved the high of being happy, and I never wanted to come down from that. So I would seek out things that would bring me the temporary high feelings, only to be squashed shortly after by "life". But, really, who doesn't want to be happy all of the time? Right? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Wrong. For me, I have learned that I don't want happiness all of the time.... that would be exhausting af. Just thinking about being in a gut laugh constantly and my face permanently smiling, makes me tired. But, what I DO want is peace all of the time. And that IS possible. Happiness and peace are not the same thing. And I know that "I" am the only person or thing that can summon peace within my soul.

So even though I feel 😔 I find that I am more peaceful with the gross feelings when they come a callin' these days. I don't try to push them away or shove them down inside. I don't try to ignore them by occupying myself with something else. I give myself grace. I give myself space. I give myself permission to act accordingly. If I don't feel like doing my hair, getting dressed, making food, cleaning the house, talking to people.... I don't. (Although, I'm still perfectly human and thought poutine topped with hotdogs just "might" help) 😂

In previous years as a kid, teenager, young adult I thought that feeling crappy was bad, that I was doing something wrong. Like, why couldn't I get my fuckin' shit together? Why did everyone else seem to be happy and blissful and living their best lives? I would fight the feelings. I would have rather felt anything but those trashy feelings. I did not realize that those feelings were just a part of the human existence. I'm a slow life learner dudes.... Seriously.... my daughter's know things that I didn't understand until last week. So now, after several times of letting myself BE in a funk, they get easier. Easier to be in and also they float away quicker too.

I'm so glad that I did not have to work these past few days. It has been a blessing in disguise. I was a bit worried about not having any shifts this week but I think it was meant to be. The feelings would have come whether or not I had to work. But it is nice that I could sit through and with them at home. Not trying to take care of other people at the same time. As with any job, it is hard to work and do whatever it is that you do while your mental health is not up to par. However, I must say that it is challenging being in a funk and taking care of strangers. There is no time to sit with your feelings when you are a nurse at my job. So obviously they just get pushed away somewhere, or shoved to the back of the bus until later.......

Anyhew..... these are my thoughts and feelings on this day. Thanks for the 30 second hug today Shea 🤗❤️, it worked waaaaaaay better than the poutine. Oh! And I'm excited for Ken as it is windy AF here and he gets to go out on the swamp today!

Love you all.

K. Gotta sit with my kids 😊 and enjoy just having them here. 🤘🏻😜🤘🏻

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