This human business is hard……..

Or is it?

Could it be that WE make it hard? 🤔 I suspect the latter is the truth. I don’t know how you all are feeling lately. But I feel like I’m all over the map. And when I say “lately” I refer to the last 40 years. Seriously. Probably since the age of 10 I have been like WTF 😳???? That’s about the time that I started to care about how I looked. That’s about the time I started to seek out and pick which human(s) that I wanted to be like. I had great Auntie’s on both sides of my family that were wonderful examples of love and kindness. And my Grandma’s. And of course my own Momma ❤️. Part of the person you all see is derived from them. Which is a great thing. But.

The thing is that I have had a really hard time figuring out who “I” am. I’ve always had some “perfect” yet, unattainable vision of who I should be, right there, just slightly past my immediate vision. Always out of my reach. Like the dog with the bone that is tied over his head on a string. Just out of reach but always there.

Two nights ago I was tossing and turning. Couldn’t sleep. And I really felt like I needed to get off of social media. I felt like it was the answer to my life. I was feeling like I just wanted to get back to real life. Connect with the people who matter to me. The one’s that TRULY care for me. Cuz let’s be real. The 2,226 people that follow me are not all friends. I know that many are just silent “creepers”. They don’t interact with me. And that’s ok because I think a fair amount of them are creepy men who I don’t want to interact with anyways 😄.

I crave authenticity and authentic interactions. And I was questioning, as I have in the past, WHY am I posting what I’m posting? Am “I” being authentic? Am I posting not for myself but for everyone else? Is what I’m posting going to change someone’s day? Make them smile? Make them feel connected? Make them feel a little less lonely? OR am I posting for that little dopamine hit? You all know what I’m talkin bout. When someone hits that little ❤️ button. Or when someone comments something really lovely. It’s like a little 💥 of goodness. Like a hit from a drug. So when I was telling two of my fav coworkers Kacie and Amber about my plans to drastically decrease my presence on Instagram I felt a little nudge in my brain. Like my being was knocking on a door in my brain saying “Hellooooooo? Nope that’s not the answer” But I ignored it. Partly because I had just drank a red bull and couldn’t stop the words that were pouring out of my mouth 😝 I was moved by their support of my decision but also of their comments telling me that they would miss me not being on instagram. And it IS true that I have made many many connections with many many people through Instagram. And inside of me, every time I thought of not chatting with the people that I have made friendships with and not connecting with people all day through instagram made me sad. But I didn’t listen. I just kept on with the goal of changing my life by getting rid of instagram. AND Snapchat. If I was gonna get rid of instagram I had to get rid of Snapchat. That Perfect Vision of Crystal was dangling infront of me. Telling me that this is what I need to do to become her.  So I actually wrote a snap to my besties. I have a Snapchat group with all of my besties. If you have read my previous blogs you know who they are 😉. I told them I needed to back off of social media etc. And of course because they are my wonderful besties I didn’t get any backlash. I’m 100% sure they were all like 🙄 Crystal’s having another moment. 😂.

Not just social media. I don’t like the fact that I can’t watch a movie or tv show without having my phone in my hand. Yep. I’m usually playing a game on my phone while I’m watching tv. And I really don’t like looking at my phone when people are talking to me or me to them. Even if it’s a short sentence. I’m not 100% present with the person infront of me. And I find that so disrespectful. I do it. A lot. I don’t like it. So I went to work the next day. I know cold turkey doesn’t work for me so I allowed myself the same coffee/instagram time in my car before I walked into work. I told my fam that I would only be checking for texts from them on my breaks. What I noticed was that the day went realllllly slow. Usually when I have some downtime on my shift I reach for my phone. I found myself making beds. Hahahaha. I stared at the ceiling for a bit. A cool thing that I noticed was how weird it was to phone people on my breaks instead of playing games on my phone. I had a quick little conversation with my Dad. One break I called Ken. He was like What’s up? Because I don’t call people.

So. What have I learned today? That I’m in fucking perimenopausal hell. 😉😉. I am but…. What I think I’ve learned today is that at the core of this brief little life I have here I do have a BIG BEAUTIFUL HEART at the center of everything that I do. Whatever I’m posting….. if it’s my running shoes hitting the pavement, my frustration with Grande Prairie drivers, health woes, gloating about my wonderful family…. Whatever it is, it’s authentic. Because I’m never NOT authentic. Even when I’m being a shit. It’s still authentic. Because it’s me. It’s this spiritual being having a human experience. I will never be that perfect person that dangles infront of me. It’s so exhausting to try to get there. What I’ve learned, am learning, is that accepting this crazy person that changes her mind constantly is the key to that peace and contentment that I’m looking for.

In this brief little meltdown that spanned a couple of days I would like to give shout outs to a few people who didn’t even know that they affected my well being. ! Amber, thank you for taking the time to chat with me at work. Thank you for always telling me how great you think my family is. You are an amazing soul. Kacie, thank you for sitting and chatting as well. Thank you for making me feel that I matter. By telling me that you look forward to my Instagram posts. You have always been since I’ve known you one of my biggest cheerleaders. Everyone needs cheerleaders in their court. Oh…. That reminds me of another point I want to make in a sec. You are one amazing human. One amazing nurse. You inspire me to be a better nurse. You both held space for me yesterday. And that is a rare and precious gift. You probably didn’t even know how much you affected my life yesterday. Life puts the people that you need right before you when you need them. Dad, thanks for picking up and chatting with me. We need to do that more. Deb, the “essay” that I sent you this morning I knew would be received like you always have. With unconditional love. Which I copy and pasted to Angelika 😉. And received the same response. To my Momma, 🥹❤️, thank you for holding space for me today too. Even when my conversation went “squirrel!” You asked me why I want to be on instagram. And it was the perfect question. You gave me the opportunity to answer that question with no judgement. And I came up with an answer!

I want to be on there because it brings me joy 😄. Whether it’s because I might spread a little love and kindness or because it’s that I need some connection. It brings me joy!

Since my besties live so far away from me sometimes I need connection. I can’t just walk over to their house or say Hey! Let’s go for glass of wine. Or drive up to their house and say “get in bitch, we are going on an adventure”.

So ya, this human business is hard. But it gets easier when you just accept the hard. And when you stop chasing that bone 🦴.

I’m back baby.

Stay tuned.

P.S. - I have not figured out how you guys can respond to this blog and how I can respond back. There is a comment section but it doesn’t seem to work for some people. If you wanna chat send me a text 😃