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Dear Diary, Nov 10/84

What a let down. I was hoping that Charmaine would come down. But she stayed at her grandma's house. I did all of my homework. Everybody was there today. But not Pat, Shannon, Lyle, Angela, Dwight, Margaret. I'm going to put down the beggining of when I started to write and when I ended. Dads out curling. I hope that this Christmas is going to be fun!

Love Crystal

Good afternoon all!

Tis' an overcast 7 degree afternoon out there today. The wind makes it too cold to sit on my deck. So I am inside, listening to Yacht Rock Radio and watching Shea and Ben get ready to leave for Grande Cache for two weeks. They are going to be working on the same road crew there ❤️ + 💰 + ⛰'s!!

The diary entry from above was a bit of a hodge podge... Hopefully somewhere in the diary I get to see Charmaine soon!

I really don't have anything to write about. Lately, I have been really trying keep the words of The Untethered Soul at the forefront of my thoughts because when I do I feel so much peace 🕊🙏🏻. But I know, as others who read inspiring words would agree, that the words usually fade into the background eventually and the old crusty patterns of emotions and feelings and thoughts come back into play. Such is life.

But I do know that more often than before when the patterns weasel and creep their way back in, that I can notice them. And I choose to feel them. And then I choose to be happy. I choose the feelings of happiness instead. It doesn't mean that I'm not dealing with my past or my future, it just means that even though real life stuff is happening, good or bad, I choose (not all of the time) to be happy, peaceful and calm.

I didn't know that was actually possible. You know, to have life poke those already bruised bits and at the same time to feel okay that it is happening. Acceptance is such a great word. Fighting things, whether they be thoughts, feelings, emotions etc never works for me. It only keeps me stuck and sometimes drags me into a hurricane of non-stop thoughts and feelings and most times I am not even aware that it is happening.

But the more time I have to read, write, and contemplate like on days like today the better I am. There are so many things that I fight against myself with and I am finding that I would way rather just have peace. So I accept.

Back to the fighting myself, now, how does that even make sense? Why would you fight yourself?

Whether it be a physical appearance thing or an addiction or a certain way of thinking about something.... I'm tellin' ya.. the answer is NOT to fight against it. Because the "thing" is there. It is there because you are focusing your energy on it. And the more you focus on it the BIGGER it gets and the more stress you feel. You are always in a constant state of telling yourself that you are not good enough when you are always fighting everything about yourself. You will never like yourself if you are always fighting with yourself, that is just logic.

Accept the fact that there will be things that will always come up that are going to urge that crusty voice inside yourself to want to change something about you. It will try shaming you into change. "Get on that treadmill cuz you gettin' chubby, nobody will pay attention to you if you're fat" "Stop drinkin' the wine cuz you are an embarrassment to your family" "Find a hobby because people will think you're lazy if you don't have one" "Don't speak out about that because you don't know what you're talking about, do you want people to think you're a stupid asshole?" Any of those relatable?

What "I" know is that shaming myself into change works for a minute and then it doesn't. Shame sucks balls.

What about showing grace to yourself instead!! 😃 Just knowing that there is always gonna be somethin', just accepting this in itself will bring peace, really, I know it. You are the only you you are ever gonna have. Everyone else is on their own path. Yes, even your husband and your kids. But, YOU, that wonderful being, that magical being, that perfectly imperfect being is the ONLY one you get. Love it. Love all of it. The bat shit crazy part, the empathetic part, the angry part, the depressed part, the kind part, the loving part. ALL of it. Because, and I know someone somewhere has told you this along your journey ➡ there is no such thing as a perfect human. (That is another philosophical convo for another day... perfect. What is perfect? What does that word even encompass?)

I just had a thought 🤔 what would life be like without feeling a shred of shame? Stop for a moment and try to feel what that would feel like. For me, I feel free. Free to make mistakes. Free to forgive other people's mistakes and to move on. Free to look how the good Lord made me. Free to enjoy the food, the wine and all of the things that make me happy. And with that sense of freedom also comes, happiness.

I'm gonna end this blog today with the hopes that maybe I have helped someone out there feel a little more accepting of themselves and with whatever life is comin' at them with.

K. Gotta go do some laundry with a glass of wine. Cuz, it's #nationalwineday today and I'm all about that! (with no side of shame) 😉

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