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Dear Diary, January 17/85

Tomorrow's Friday that's good. I had pathfinders tonight. We did our photo albums........I'm doing better in volleyball now. I didn't have any homework today! I can't wait till Spring break. When we'll be going out to Port McNeil. It'll be my first plane ride. If we do go or not. Well, nothing much more to say.

Love Crystal

Hello All! January 17, 2021

Volleyball. A topic that brings up so many mixed feelings. I started playing fairly young. Well, fairly young for that time period... Now-a-days if you don't have your embryo signed up for a top volleyball camp, they are not going to have a fighting chance.

A little co-ed team from our tiny Canal Flats Secondary School was where it all began for me....Friends, help me out with this one.. Were we called Tigers? And then Tigerette's when we separated into female/male teams? Whatever name.... we were fierce 🐯. We knew that we had to compete with bigger schools, I think we had enough people for 1 substitution at best. (Which I think is what made me such a great player later because we had to be on the court ALL OF THE TIME!)

I found my niche in volleyball. I found that "thing". How does volleyball become "a thing" for someone who hovers around the 5' mark?.... I was SPRINGY!! I could actually play power and psych the other team out because they were expecting me to be the setter! But, I was also a damn good setter. And I LOVED the sport. When we cranked the AC/DC warm up music, BAM.... I was immediately in a different place in time. I was confident. I was strong. I believed in myself. I was focused. So you can see why I got hooked on it. It brought out the best parts of me. It was an adrenaline rush. Until, it wasn't.

I moved to Calgary when I was 18. I attended Mount Royal. I tried out for the college team. I was 100% positive that I would make the team, no problem. Fuck, I was Provincial Allstar, how could I NOT make the team? My dreams, my self-esteem and my "thing" died, on the last day of cuts when the coach took me and another setter into her office. The only words I remember, because I was in shock, were "I am forced to take the taller girl". I'm sure for all of you too, there have been those tiny moments in your past where, when you look back at them, it all makes sense. THAT MOMENT. One tiny little moment. 8 words strung together. Such impact. Life changing.

Now what? How was I going to stand out? What was going to be "my thing" now?? My self esteem took a huge nose dive from there. When you are on a high... from adrenaline, from drugs, from drinking or whatever floats your boat and makes you feel like life is freakin' wonderful, you never want to come down from it, you want it stay like that forever and you try your hardest to keep feeling those feelings, but it is not possible to stay "up there". You need those "hits" of those feel good endorphins but alas, life happens, and when you come down from that place, you have to deal with all of the reasons why you "need" those hits in the first place. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Or you just keep proceeding with the addictions/vices and spiral down into a crappy place.

Why did I think I needed a "niche"? Why did I think I needed to "stand out"? I know, big fucking questions hey? Heavy shit. But I said that this blog was going to be about everything, good and not so good. I have come to see why I needed those hits.... but that's for another post for another day...

I have to go vacuum now. 🤘🏻😜

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