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Dear Diary, February 5, 2021

Coming off of 2 days in a row. I always need a day after to recoup. To CTFO. To bring my superhyperaware AF brain🤯 to come back, down, to earth. If you have been my friend since the start of my nursing path or you are a family member, you know this about me because.... well, because I tell you!! It used to be 3 days in a row that used to kick my ass but now all it takes these days is just 2 days in a row and I'm spent. This has always been challenging for me. For readers who are close to me, when you read that it may spark thoughts of "why does she need to keep telling us? does she think that her job is harder than my job? WE GET IT CRYSTAL, YOUR JOB IS HARD." ➡Because that's how I'm feeling and I want to write about it! I want to be on here to talk about real life, ALL of it. Not just nursing. Not just the crappy parts... BUT, if it happens that that is how I am feeling and what I want to write about... then I will. Maybe... I'm in a funk, and writing about it makes me feel better and that's what's I gotsta do 🤷🏻‍♀️. Maybe... It may sound like I'm depressed... well maybe I am? OR... maybe I'm just having a crappy day... But I feel like in writing about my life... REAL, life, not just highlight reels... someone, somewhere will connect with what I am saying and feel not so alone. Cuz, I think that we can all agree on one thing at least... LIFE IS NOT ONE BIG HIGHLIGHT REEL.

I have had some feedback from my blog, which is what I want!! Keep the feedback coming! I had a great connect-the-dots, A-ha!, self discovery moment from a couple of comments. Reflecting on some of the comments left me feeling like, oh shit... I shouldn't talk about this or that.... because it sounds like I'm complaining or it sounds like I'm angry... or whatever. And for a bit I let that familiar crusty old voice in my head tell me that I needed to be liked, and in order to be liked, I can only write about "safe" stuff. I felt like I needed to change what I was writing about, and that, even if I really felt like writing that day but wasn't feeling so great, I should just write something positive. Why did I tell myself that? Why was I listening to old crusty? Because, I told myself that no one will want to read what I have to say and like me if I write about my true feelings at that point in time. And that. That is NOT why I'm here, writing, on this blog.

I am on a journey inwards, to crack the shell and let the light freaking pour out of me ⭐️. To let loose that peace that is within me, that I know is there.... and to splash it all over you guys! I've witnessed it many times. I would, however, love to feel that contentment and peace more often.... say like 80/20... that's reasonable isn't it? 😁. And in order, for ME, to do that, I must write. And why keep it private? If I can share what I've learned and what I'm still learning and it connects with someone else, AMEN!!!

I am pushing through the fears of caring about what other people think. Fuck. I have done that for way too long already in my one short life... Yep. I may write something one day and later have pangs of regret for writing it, but that is life 🤷🏻‍♀️. I accept that. I have accepted that there probably will be those times. But, looking at the bigger picture.... I imagine that in being vulnerable here, I can help the world connect. Human connection is where it's at people! Btw, I have written a blog and deleted it the next day. And all is well.

I follow ALOT of inspirational accounts on Instagram and I have to say my absolute favorite accounts are the people that splatter their vulnerability all over their page.... Because, to me, they get it. I connect with them. They get that in order for this world to heal and come together, human connection HAS to happen. We have to find commonalities. We have to help each other through lifes waves. We have to feel like we are not "the only one" thinking or feeling a certain way. I always think of my Instafriend ( on instagram) when I think of someone who lays it out there for everyone to see. In showing her vulnerability, she makes me feel like I'm ok, I'm enough, and like "we got this". I have never met her face to face, but I absolutely adore her. So that is what I want my vulnerablity on this blog to do for someone else :)

I have also been given very positive feedback! One of the recent comments that I received, that touched me right to the core of my being, was "I love that freedom of speech is so important to you". And it was from someone that I LOVE and ADMIRE ❤️.

So, on that note.. I really wanted to write something today. I enjoy it so much. But it was my "day after work" day this morning. And I was feeling funky feelings. But I got on here and wrote. And now I feel better 😄. So, if any of you resonated with anything today, GREAT!!!! But, the most important part was that I wrote for myself. And my mental health feels a little clearer.... now.

Now, I feel like I can create something today! Whether that be yummy food or even a great run on the treadmill 🤷🏻‍♀️. I have inspired myself!! And the sun is also peaking through... life is good.

K. Gotta look up HalfBakedHarvest for some food inspo! 🤘🏻😜

P.S. - speaking of connecting and not feeling alone... thanks for the text chat this morning Debbie. That's what I'm talkin' bout 🤘🏻❤️

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