I have been off of this website of mine for months..... and I'm not sure why. There really isn't an answer to that. Just wasn't feelin' it anymore.
But, at this moment, I felt like writing. And I feel like writing about the love of my life.
How do you know that the person you choose is the right person? Nobody knows. Is my own little opinion. You meet someone who lights up all parts of your being. You're kinda in a relationship already. But you have just NEVER felt these feelings before. They are like.... well, they are.........indescribable. I could try to put into words what it was like meeting Ken but words can never come close... They would all come up short.
At the time though, I wasn't my optimal self. I was a person that needed a little saving. I needed someone like him to see my crazy and say that he loved me anyways. And he did that for me. Am I right though? You find someone that sees "you" and accepts you anyways and wants to marry you still?????
One of the best memories I have of us is this...... We had driven up a mountain.... switchback after switchback..... OF COMPLETE SILENCE. We were going huckleberry picking or something... maybe just hiking. But for some unknown, but fairly common reason I was giving him the silent treatment. We got to the top of the mountain. I was ready to get out. Go do whatever it was we were doing... of course in silence. But he sat in the truck and said to me "Crystal, you gotta make a choice in the morning. Are you gonna have a good day or bad? You put your feet on the ground and decide that it's going to be a good day." And I tell you what. That started the change within me. If those words had never been spoken, I'm not sure where I would be now. My perception of my life and where I was at and where I wanted to be changed completely. It was one of those "pivitol" moments in life. So I thank God for Ken. I thank God for putting us together to ride this crazy ride together.
Since that moment I have been constantly doing inner work. Questioning many things that come up for me and asking myself if this is something that is going to bring joy into my life or just peace even.... Because I know, from that experience, that old beliefs need to be questioned, so that I can fully connect with the light that I am.
I can't pretend to tell you that I know the secret..... the secret that many search for. How do I find the one? I only know that we found each other at the right time. And how do you know if the one you are with is the right one? I don't know that either. Nobody does. But I believe even at your lowest, your most Unawareness, there is a part of you that KNOWS.
Also, I believe, from personal experience that if you want to (not everyone does) be in a relationship for ever and ever..... there is so much internal work that has to happen. Yours and theirs. Think about it. You are two UNIQUE humans. Two people who have grown up with different beliefs and values. You are NOT going to agree on everything. But if you want to be together you have to agree to see each other. See their history's, their pasts... and accept it. And be vulnerable and willing to let the other person know that you've fucked up when you fuck up. And tell them that you are trying and will try to change whatever it is that caused pain. Because if you love someone, you do not wish them pain. You do it out of not "not knowing yourself". It's a reaction to something. And when you become aware of your reactions.... you can change them.
Ok..... I think I'm almost done.
Ken started a chain reaction for me. I have built my self confidence. Slowly. But I now can say that I love me. All of me.. even the crusty parts. And flip side to all of this. When Ken is having struggles, I can be there for him. I know I am worthy now. I know that I have something to give back to him. I can help. And not just to him, I can have something to give back to all of everyone out there. Because that is why I am here. I am on a mission to connect with people and change this world. One connection at a time.
OK. I'm done now.
I love you Ken Goosney. Thank you for all that you have given me. It's more than you will ever know in this lifetime. ❤️